Hello entertainment industry

How are things? Are you recovering nicely from your infestation of D.U.I. starlets? I certainly hope so.

I have to say that I'm not particularly tuned into your new batch of up-and-comers but they all look deliciously attractive, so I have high hopes. Except for Miley Cyrus. She's on the fast-track to Jamie Lynn's preggo club for sure.

Every now and then, I get pretty annoyed with you. For example, that time that you completely hated on Kelly Clarkson's new album? I wanted to cut you with a rusty shank. Chivas? Amazing. Maybe? Amazing. How I Feel? Amazing. Do better next time around, alright? I have a hard enough time loving her without you dumping on her.

Moving on.

Lately I've been going to a lot of movies. (No, not just to see myself on the big screen.) Ironman rocked. Prince Caspian is going to be the coolest conditioner ad ever. Sex and the City will make me cry vodka-flavoured tears. And Wall*E will make me depressed for months because I can't have an adorable robot of my very own (Calvin's out. Wall*E's in). It'll be the house hippo all over again.

But then there's a bunch of things in the works that I don't quite understand. Why, for one, is there a new Hulk movie coming out? Weren't we plagued with one a mere five years ago? Did anyone even like THAT one?? And it's not even a sequel. It's the exact same movie. Redone. That's like releasing covers of songs currently on the top 40 and pretending they're completely fresh. Zac Effron singing Flo Rida's Low? Miley covering Love In This Club?

Kill me.

Here's another. The new Batman movie is coming out. Yes, it's tragic that Heath might have delivered his greatest performance and isn't alive to see it. But is that enough to make people overlook the fact that they blatantly replaced Katie Holmes with Maggie Gylenhaal? I mean, Corpse Bride should never have been cast in the first place and Maggie is mad cool. But...can they do that? It's not like she's Lassie. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO NOTICE.

Things aren't all bad between us though. While your music ventures have been a little stuck on the Rihanna train slow lately, I fully believe that they're on the up and up. Need proof? Well, Robyn's album finally came out in North America. I'm a little sick of it since I grabbed a copy when it came out in Europe a long time ago...but Handle Me and Be Mine are still awesome. I'm also loving I'm Yours by Jason Mraz.

Most of all though, thank you for giving me the greatness that is Indie.Arie's cover of The Heart of the Matter. You might have heard it in the new SATC trailer. If not, you should. It made me cry once. Well...when I had it on repeat while reading this over and over again. Despite the greatness of Scott Simon's Umbrella and Edwin McCain's Romeo & Juliet, I truly believe that Indie.Arie just recorded one of the greatest covers of all time. Seriously.

That's it for now, dear friend. I strongly advise that you watch who you associate with. You don't want to get dragged back down into the dirt, now do you?

Don't let me down.

So long, Tantrum-TV

Since I have no doubt that Shannon and I will find other reasons to have our weekly dates (is eating ice cream a reason? YES), I am thankful that America's Next Top Model is over for yet another cycle (a word used in lieu of season so that Tyra can keep cranking out the hookery additions to her fashion bordello).

First, the past two seasons have been lackluster at the best of times. Nothing exciting or mind-blowing, no fresh insane drama, no ground-breaking looks, faces or photos. I actually miss the creepy twin season.

Second, does the show really have enough influence for producers to bother rigging it? That's what people have been saying...the plus-sized model is rumoured to be faux-plus sized. This is the next worst thing to happen in a voting competition since Bush/Gore. Okay, not really...it has no impact on anyone's lives except poor jilted Anya who will likely resign herself to voice lessons so that people can listen to her without laughing.

Third, and most importantly as it changes the topic of this post entirely, I no longer get stuck watching episodes of hell-on-earth, Supernanny. Despite having a crush on the sassy Brit, having to come to terms about the state of children today ruins the allure.

Want to know what would have happened if I told my Dad to shut up when I was seven?

Or what would have happened if I slapped my Mom in the face at age nine?

I WOULDN'T BE BLOGGING, that's for sure!

I would have been put in my place so damn fast that my heart would have stopped beating. The end. None of this, oh....well he has a lot of energy. Or, oh.....we don't want to stunt his personality.

NO. Your kid is a piece of garbage trash and when they're older no one will love them because they are so horrendously selfish and awful human beings that you'll get stuck with them as they hurl beer bottles at you because you won't make them pizza pockets on their 35th birthdays.

The idea of having kids that don't respect me gives me scurvy.

Dear the children I might have someday,

If you treat me like shit, I will leave you in aisle 12 at Zellers. Make it home and maybe then we'll talk about continuing to sponsor your existence. If you don't come home?

Meh.

Love Dad

From me and Spiderman

Dear 20-something Bloggers,

Thank you for making me this week's featured blogger (were you drunk?). I will try very hard to keep you from regretting your decision. I expect that means not writing posts like this for a while. Friends don't let friends use the word anus more than once on a blog.

I don't know how you ended up choosing me (again...drunk?) but I really am flattered as I consider myself fairly new to your wonderful blogging community. I was hesitant when Jamie told me to register but I have since come to the conclusion that she is Oh So Lovely and Oh So Wise.

It was effortless to connect with so many other great writers and readers from across the globe (feel free to drop me a line anytime), people who aren't just trying to pimp out their blogs for world domination. I love reading your posts, seeing your comments (except Surviving Me... he's a smart-ass*), and twittering your tweets/twits/twitters (?). I think the 20SB crowd really is one of the stronger web communities out there. You know, besides the porn crowd.

So thanks again, thanks for reading, and stick around for a while. I've always get plenty to say and am working up the guts to pay for a sassy design filled with sass. I'll be the Heidi Klum of my own Project Blogway. Excited? Obviously.

Ben @ No Ordinary Rollercoaster

*Just kidding.

WHYYYYYY?!?!

Dear Winter,

Drop dead.

Love,

Ben

MIA Reason #2

Dear first year PR students,

After spending the past five days correcting your exams for Foundations of Public Relations, I have a few concerns I would like to bring to your attention.

First, I am well-aware that you need to learn the working definition of public relations in your course. However, it's important to remember that said definition is sometimes BUT CERTAINLY NOT ALWAYS the correct answer. Your skills of memorization are not as impressive as your ability to adapt the definition to fit into each paragraph. Also, going to your first co-op term and reciting a definition will not serve you, or your employer, well.

If your example of A Day in the Life of a PR professional focused on fixing your employer's mistakes or "not lying but leaving information out to enhance your image", I'd recommend thinking more proactively before the second and third year professors slap the silly out of you. The goal is to get to the advisor level and enhance business communications so that problems don't arise and you don't HAVE to hide information. It's called ethics, people...get with the game.

Lastly, using Paris Hilton as an example of agenda-setting, or Britney Spears as an example of reputation management, or celebrity parents as reasons for standard PR education, while technically correct, are not the most impressive or intelligent ways to back up your response.

Oh. Please learn how to spell.

Thanks.

Dear Stephen King...

I watched the latest movie adaptation of one of your books tonight. Unfortunately, once again I'm left wondering why your movies still merit top billing. Sure, ride that Green Mile and Shawshank Redemption wave. I mean, I'm still dropping the valedictorian title every now and then - I get it. However, there's something to be said about maintaining your personal standards.

THE MIST was undeniably low-budget. What can be said about a movie with two sets? One - a food market which somehow acts as the only stronghold against the questionable existence of creatures/certain death/the power of God that remains hidden in THE MIST. Two - any other scene of the movie which is shrouded in THE MIST in order to reinforce the terrifying nature of THE MIST so that no audience member forgets the existence and threat of THE MIST while at the same time cutting costs for set design and props. Consequently, your MIST budget must have been out of control...

The movie ends up playing out much like this:

Scared person: What's going on?? (terrified)

Hero: It seems that the whole community is covered in THE MIST. (inquisitive)
Scared person 2: Oh no! No one should go out into THE MIST until we know what's out there hidden in THE MIST!

Stupid person: But I HAVE to go out into THE MIST! I have things to do! People to see! Many tasks and responsibilities that cannot be put on hold just because of THE silly MIST. (securing the death toll)

Hero: That's not a good idea, there could be anything out there in THE MIST. (gazing)

Stupid person: I'm going out into THE MIST anyway! (exits)

Stupid person: AHHHHH! I'm being dragged off by something into THE MIST! Woe! All because of THE MIST!

Hero: See? We must all be wary of THE MIST until we can find out what THE MIST is and what might be hidden in THE MIST and how we can survive in THE MIST. Ooooo...it's soooooooo foggy!

Other scenes include sitting in a car surrounded by THE MIST, driving by a house surrounded by THE MIST, and gazing out many windows into THE MIST. It all reminds me terribly of those clever pictures we drew as children of polar bears sitting in a snowstorm with their eyes closed and their black noses covered with their white paws.

Almost every scene looked like this:
Don't get me wrong. The message was alright. The whole ugliness of the human race when faced with adversity, the extremism of military and religious establishments, and most importantly, THE TERROR OF THE MIST!

To be honest, I went to see it because of the hype surrounding the amazing new ending - I should have investigated the original ending first...maybe then the new one would be less cliché. [Please note Mr. King that I did not spoil your ending and therefore should not be sentenced to death as you have recommended. I simply said it has been done before. I have a sinking feeling that you still want to throw me on the gallows.]

When all is said and done though, I guess I didn't like it because it was "buggy bug" rather than "ghosty ghost". Anything sci-fi has been done to death here on Portland Street thanks to the newf. As I say that, the new Battlestar Gallactica TV movie is about to start meaning that I need to go act like I understand what's going on and that I am not still distracted by and captivated with THE MIST.

Okay, the second part will be easy.