Union Jane wears a "the end is near!" sandwich board [part one]

Editor's note: Hark! Rejoice! This is the first half of another hilarious and enlightening post from No Ordinary Rollercoaster prophet and U.K. correspondent, Union Jane.

I am not really a spiritual gal, but I am convinced the apocalypse is near. I feel like I've entered some kind of inverted universe where up is down and left is right and leggings are attractive. I'm really concerned. It's as if some sort of modern day Wizard of Oz is toying with everything I know to be true.

It all started about four months ago…

---

One interesting thing about London is that there is almost no such thing as an unfurnished apartment. This amuses me, as if it's some sort of consolation prize for living in one of the most expensive cities on the planet. Like "My exorbitantly over-priced flat is so worth it; it came with a sweet bean bag chair!" or "Awesome, in case I can ever afford to buy groceries, I have an authentic wok at my disposal!"

Anyway, when I moved into my apartment, basic furniture was provided, save a few essentials. But one of the things missing from my room was a mirror. Now, that doesn't sound like a big deal, but you try going two days without looking at yourself. Maybe I'm really self-absorbed, but I had a serious clown-face complex after applying makeup and venturing into public without having seen what I'd done to myself – let's just agree that for me, a mirror isn't so much a vanity tool as a sanity tool.

Needless to say, I promptly went to Spanish retail czar Zara Home to pick up some things I needed, not the least of which was a pedestal mirror. After shopping and returning home, I was slightly dismayed to discover the mirror was broken when I removed it from the box. Sneering over the obvious bad omen leering above me, I cursed myself for not checking it before I left the store, but took solace in the fact that I kept the receipt. Surely that good deed could undue seven years of bad luck, right? I thought so. So the next morning I set out to return it. On the way, I wandered into the drug store and found a comparable mirror for cheaper than the other. I'm nothing if not a bargain hunter, so I bought it thinking I would just return the broken mirror to Zara and save a few pounds. After all, I had only bought it the day before and I still had the receipt. This SEEMS like a no-brainer, right? Obvious foreshadowing.

When I got to Zara Home, I discovered a world of lovely home accessories I hadn't seen the first time and decided I needed them. Apparently, I've emerged as some sort of British Martha Stewart. I found myself grabbing lovely bedroom accents and tossing them into my cart as I declared them 'Good Things' (Insert obvious criminal joke here).

So after choosing woven baskets and throw pillows that complemented my bedding and décor, I confidently marched up to the sales desk with several items that amounted to much more than the price of the mirror I was returning. I then began to sneer at myself upon the discovery that I was in fact going to spend a lot of money when I was supposed to be getting some back – stupid retail reverse psychology. My internal battle was interrupted by a leggy blonde saleswoman.

Saleswoman, looking coy and Spanish:

"Hello. Are you all set?"

Me, confidently explaining my situation:

"Yes. I need to exchange this mirror I bought yesterday for these items."

Saleswoman, skeptical at the mention of returning something:

"Do you have your receipt?"

Me, proudly smoothing out me receipt in front of her:

"Yes. Here it is."

Saleswoman, carefully examining the details on the receipt:

"Um, why are you returning it?"

Me, matter-of-factly and without concern:

"Well I bought it yesterday, and when I got home, I took it out of the box and it was broken. I guess I should have checked it before I left the store. Anyway, I'd like to exchange it for these items and pay the difference."

Saleswoman, smiling, but clearly deep in thought:

"Just hang on. I need the manager."

She chats to another Spanish woman – in Spanish – about the situation. The manager picks up the phone and has a hushed conversation for five minutes with a very worrying expression on her face. I am clearly unfazed by the hold-up. I stare at my decorative baskets and begin to debate if I need another one. Apparently, one never can have enough wicker. Finally, the manager comes over to me.

Manager, with gusto:

"So what happened?"

Me, raising an eyebrow in confusion as to why I need to have this conversation again:

"Well, like I said, I bought this yesterday – as you can see on my receipt – and when I got home I discovered it was broken."

Manager, suspiciously:

"Is there any chance that this happened after you left the store."

Me, honestly:

"I really don't think so. I went right home after I bought it."

Manager, defensively:

"This would have been checked before you left the store."

Me, irritated by her passive-aggressive accusation:

"No one checked it when I was here. Obviously if we checked it and saw that it was broken, I wouldn't have bought it."

Manager, staring inquisitively at the mirror, and in a condescending tone:

*note: I feel I need to reiterate that this next part was word-for word, I swear on my life*

"Did you bash it?"

Me, laughing out loud:

"Umm, what?!"

Manager, again, with conviction:

"Did you bash it? I don't think this happened in the store."

Me, appalled and still laughing:

"Wha- No, I didn't bash it!"

Manager, rolling her eyes:

"Well… I'll give you another one, I guess."

Me, still can't believe the 'did you bash it?' comment… You don't ask something like that unless you think the person ACTUALLY did it. Like, what did she expect me to say? 'Yes, actually, I completely forgot! I did bash it! That's right, now I remember… I bought this yesterday, took it home, and bashed it. And now I'm here returning it. That's what happened.'… Fucking moron:

"Well the thing is, I really needed a mirror so I just bought another one from another store this morning. But I'm buying all of this stuff instead."

Manager, pissed off, being a straight-up bitch:

"Well, I would give you another one, but I can't return this. I don't think it happened in the store."

Me, having worked in retail for two years, absolutely APPALLED by this response:

"Look. I bought this YESTERDAY. As you can see on the receipt in front of you. And I'm buying 50 pounds worth of merchandise in its place. I'm really not trying to scam you. And I am not leaving unless you give me my money back for this."

Manager, visibly pissed off, after a good two minutes of thinking:

"Fine. I'll allow this. But I want you to know I don't want to. This isn't good for us; I don't think this happened in the store, I think you did it. But whatever."

Continue reading part two

Related:

Union Jane goes on a date

Union Jane is lost in translation

Union Jane puts The Chronicle Herald in its place

Union Jane on "ginger kids"