Union Jane on the most naked clothing retailer

Editor's note: Please join me in welcoming back the favourite guest star of my life, U.K. correspondent Union Jane!

So I've been reminiscing a lot lately about when I first moved to Europe. It's not that my life hasn't been filled with stupid-ass or blog-worthy experiences recently, it's just that I'm so up to my ears in stupid crap at work right now that I haven't had the energy to deconstruct my current existence as I normally would. Trust me – I'm accordingly pissed/amused/perplexed by a number of things that have happened to me professionally lately. But it takes some serious brainpower to be a cynical wench like me. And sometimes it's just easier to pick apart my less mentally exhausting activities.

Like shopping.

Now, I'm sure by now some of you have seen my earlier post about how Zara Home made me want to cut a bitch (Editor's note: see where I get it?). Today, we explore a less asinine but equally as unbelievable shopping experience.

One of my vices back when I was an adolescent Jane was boy bands. I can recall going to an outdoor Backstreet Boys concert with a broken ankle at age 12. I bopped around so insistently that I actually punched a hole through the bottom of my cast. And that didn't concern me nearly as much as the fact that my cast prevented me from getting into the mosh pit of pre-pubescent girls; I was convinced that some other hussy in a halter top would stand a better chance of becoming the belle of Nick Carter's eye simply because she was 100 feet closer to the stage. Cause, you know, I bet nothing would have appealed to him more than a scrawny, flat-chested 12-year-old in a tattered cast. But I digress.

Another boy-band tune I fancied was Summer Girls by one-hit-wonders LFO. You remember it – it was essentially two pretty white boys 'rapping' about a bunch of random experiences that were completely incoherent when tied together circa 1999. According to Wikipedia, my research homeboy, the song was actually just a bunch of inside jokes that were put on a demo tape that 'accidentally leaked' to radio. This pseudo-exclusivity confuses me to no end, as I'm sure there are a world of talented people out there just begging to get their music on radio stations, and these morons managed to get what amounts to frat-boy-style verbal diarrhea on the air. And then made a shit-load of money off it (Editor's note: five points to the best suggestion of how they spent all of it). But then again, there is also the very horrible and very successful Jessica Simpson. So I guess there are a lot of things I don't understand about the music industry.

Anyway, the hook of that song was "I like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch". Now, at the time, you couldn't get A&F in Canada. So, naturally, their wares became an instant enigma to us small-city folks. And there is still no Abercrombie in my home town, but through the miracle of Winners and online shopping, in recent years we've gotten access to the clothing. Once people in Eastern Canada got A&F stuff, everyone eventually realized it's just glorified dorm-wear for the most part.

Clearly, that message has not traveled across the Atlantic.

Less than a year ago, Abercrombie & Fitch opened their first European store in London. First off, let me say that rather than adjusting the prices of their merchandise from dollars to pounds, they literally just changed the symbol in front of the number. So $30 becomes £30.

With complete disregard for the fact that there are about $2 to the £ 1. And you'd think that someone in England could just visit Abercrombie's American website and see this. But the company has set some sort of online trap where it recognizes European IP addresses and immediately redirects you to the UK site. So British fools keep buying the over-priced crap as if it's couture.

Adding to this pretentious hype is precisely where the store is located. It is off Bond Street in London. Bond Street Street is located in London's prestigious Mayfair district. The only stores located on this street are rubbing elbows with Gucci, Prada and Louis Vuitton. Essentially, the only people who can afford to shop there are very, very wealthy. Read: Posh Spice. Yet, what have we here – one of the most commoditized shopping outlets in North America nestled with the retail elite. I feel like this might be more support for my Bizarro Theory of London.

As well, the store itself is in on of the most beautiful, huge historic buildings I've ever seen. The structure looks like a museum, yet Abercrombie takes up the entire thing. It's kind of a shame. The lighting in there is similar to some sort of elite club; you actually feel like you are at some extremely over-priced drinking establishment. Management has hired someone who walks around spraying A&F perfume on people. That's actually all this person does.

Oh, and the best part? They only hire models. Fact. It's like a pre-requisite that you are an aspiring model or just really fucking good-looking. I asked one of the workers to explain their sizing charts to me one day, and he was completely clueless. It became very obvious to me that A&F Europe isn't actually concerned with how much its staff knows its product so much with how they fit the image.

Another day when I went in, I was extremely hungover and looked like ass (notice the trend yet?) (Editor's note: for those of you who don't know, Union Jane is a mega-fox...don't be fooled) and, lo and behold, after I walked through the double doors – opened by two male models for every person who enters – standing in the front lobby is the most attractive topless guy I have ever seen in person. Ever. Hold on - it gets better. Some hot little girl in booty shorts trots up and says to me "Hey! We are going to take a polaroid of you and Johnny Washboard Abs here!" I cringed with disgust because my hair was in a fro-ish bun, I had no makeup on and I almost vomited on the tube 30 minutes earlier. But I reluctantly participated in the photo merely so that I would have evidence of this truly retarded charade. Which I do. And I look horrid. And his abs look painted on. But they were REAL.

How sad is it that the most famous person I've met since I've been in London is the nameless embodiment of A&F's European domination?

Well, I hope he gets more play out of it than LFO, at least. Apparently, they are on an 'indefinite hiatus' to help them break out of the boy band image. Or maybe that was just another 'leak'.

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NOR: Union Jane