Union Jane puts The Chronicle Herald in its place

Editor's Note: Birds of a feather flock together...or, in this case, together in spirit but on separate continents probably for the best lest they get in copious amounts of legal, moral and ethical trouble. That being said, here's post #2 from UK correspondent Union Jane.

Just because they're the only newspaper around these days doesn't mean they can slack off...

Dear Chronicle Herald,

Hi. Long time no read. I now live away and I'm sorry if I've neglected you, but this morning I decided to peruse your online pages and bring myself up to speed on the goings-on at home. I was a little homesick, sick of reading pathetic stories of little news value in The Mirror (i.e. "Posh Spice Stole My Hair Cut") so I thought you could expose me to some stories that matter just a little bit more to me. I was sadly mistaken when I stumbled upon the following article, titled "Boozing Bandit Bungles Bank Job":

And here is the text posted below:

Swilling a half bottle of courage moments before robbing a Halifax bank Friday likely didn’t help a middle-aged crook make his getaway.

Scotiabank in Scotia Square was held up just before noon by a knife-wielding man who passed a note to a teller.

The robber, intent on his mission or perhaps impaired by excitement and alcohol, didn’t notice a mall security guard in line behind him.

Police credit the guard with helping catch the vino-sipping bandit.

"He was at the right place at the right time," said mall security manager Don Landry.

"The customer service centre had asked (the guard) to go get some change," Mr. Landry said.

While waiting his turn, the guard witnessed the robbery and radioed the security office. He followed the robber out of the mall and onto the street.

The robber and his tail walked north on Barrington Street, a police release said.

"We just followed along behind to report his location and then police finally intercepted and arrested him," Mr. Landry said.

"Our guys do wear a uniform and if he’d looked back, he would have seen them."

There are reports that police caught up with the culprit behind Brunswick Place, for-merly the Trade Mart, and recovered a knife and some cash.

The police release said the man was arrested near the intersection of Barrington and Cogswell streets.

About half an hour after the heist, there was no sign of police or the robber along the Barrington Street side of the Brunswick Place complex.

But nearby, a reporter found a white, plastic liquor store bag, which was lying not far from a half-empty bottle of white wine tucked discreetly underneath some concrete steps.

Inside the bag was a receipt showing the plonk, which cost $13.38 after taxes, had been purchased at 11:12 a.m. at the liquor store in Scotia Square. Also inside the bag was an opened paring-knife package but there was no sign of the knife.

The wine, Fish Hoek Sauvignon Blanc, was reviewed by The Chronicle Herald’s wine columnist Sean Wood just over a year ago.

"This reasonably priced Sauvignon shows again why this variety is the new star white in South Africa with classic herbal, smoky, green fruit, mineral bouquet and equally vibrant flavours on the palate," the column said.

Mr. Wood recommends the wine with seafood, simple white meat or light salad, but makes no mention of alfresco quaffing or using the beverage to bolster bravery.

At mid-afternoon police returned to Brunswick Place to pick up the bottle, which the robbery suspect reportedly told officers he had left behind.

Police visited The Herald Building on Argyle Street at about 4 p.m. to seize the bag and take a statement from the reporter.

Because charges had not been laid, police refused to release the suspect’s name, but said they intend to charge him with robbery.

Two business people in the mall believe the robber is a local panhandler.

Don Whitt, who operates the Calendar Club wagon near the bank entrance, was outside having a smoke when the robbery occurred.

"The first thing I saw was a security guard went running past me and fell down," said Mr. Whitt.

When Mr. Whitt re-entered the mall, he heard the bank had been robbed.

From the description he heard from police, Mr. Whitt believes the culprit is a local panhandler who hangs around the mall in winter and on the waterfront in summer.

"He bums money for smokes and then spends it on scratch tickets," Mr. Whitt said.

A woman who sells what she called crystals outside the bank, said she also heard the robber was a panhandler.

"He’s older with white hair," she said.

( djeffrey@herald.ca)

Can I just start by telling you how much it concerns me that you turned the headline into a tongue twister? Also, that you spent nearly half the article describing - in great detail - the wine the bank robber swigged before his failed robbery attempt, down to suggesting which foods it might complement? Is this some sort of hidden advertorial article in which Fish Hoek paid Davene Jeffrey a hefty sum to turn an actual piece of news into a not-so-subtle endorsement of a specific cheap wine? And that you put this on your front page? Is there really that little going on in Nova Scotia that your best story on a Saturday morning is regarding a bum who tried to rob a bank and failed? And you have highlighted that your reporters stole evidence?

Can I also tell you the part that puzzles me the most?

"A woman who sells what she called crystals outside the bank, said she also heard the robber was a panhandler.

"He’s older with white hair," she said.

Davene, honey, really... are you in a position to judge the potentially fake crystal yielding woman? So much so that you felt it was important to include her commentary, which merely describes every bum I've ever seen in Halifax? Was it really important to mock her profession just so you could include that? Do you think you're crackin' the case this way? Especially cause the man has already been caught? How would you like it if someone wrote "A woman that calls herself a reporter, selling what she calls news, wrote a really shitty article today"?

So many questions.

Related:
Union Jane on "ginger kids"
This town ain't big enough
NOR: Letters