Union Jane is lost in translation

Editor's Note: Birds of a feather flock together...or, in this case, together in spirit but on separate continents probably for the best lest they get in copious amounts of legal, moral and ethical trouble. That being said, here's post #3 from UK correspondent Union Jane.

Being a bit of a grammar queen, I am constantly amused/annoyed by British writing. I understand and appreciate that Canadian spelling and grammar is based on British rules and that's why we spell words like 'harbour' and 'favour' with a 'u' and why we pronounce 'lieutenant' as 'left-tenant'. And frankly, I'd like to thank the English for giving us these subtle linguistic variances over our American counterparts. God knows now that I'm feeling the negative affects of constantly being mistaken for American, I'll cling onto any differentiation I can.

But at the risk of starting a heated chain of hate email from British readers with subject lines like 'BUT WE SPAWNED THE LANGUAGE!", I can't help but be irritated when I see 'proper' English sentences that just don't make grammatical sense. Here are some examples I've seen:

1. "Smoking is prohibited in these premises."

This warning was posted outside of a building. It referred to not only the building itself, but also the sidewalk and terrace surrounding the building. There is some obvious ambiguity that results from using 'in' instead of 'on'. To me, the sentence means that you cannot smoke INSIDE of the building, whereas by replacing 'in' with 'on' would encompass a ban on the entire property, inside and outside, as is intended by this sign. Not that I smoke, but in the event that I have to take it up on account of my stress surrounding stupid British sentences, I'll have no clue as to where I'm allowed to light up.

2. "Studies have shown that British students perform poorly in maths."

This was a headline in a newspaper. I thought it was a mistake and felt embarrassed for the editor until I started hearing people regularly refer to the subject we call 'math' as 'maths'. Are you kidding me? Do you say 'I am good at Frenches'? I rest my case.

After a few months of encountering these confusing and infuriating word differences, I begrudgingly became more open-minded about British writing. I found myself second-guessing my instinctive interpretations and, as was the case below, this occasionally led to hilarious misunderstandings.

A few weeks ago, some of my Canadian friends and I went on a wine tour. After six wine tastings, two beer tastings, a lovely gin cocktail and various different absinthe-based shots topped up with a rough experience with straight whiskey, we were accordingly intoxicated. Naturally, we had to use the washroom by the end of it. After stumbling out of the stall and attempting to look just a little bit sober while I washed my hands, I glanced at a large machine propped up on the wall. I burst into immature giggles and shouted to my friend as she emerged from the stall:

Me: "Seeing as this machine sells tampons, am I to presume that a 'press-on towel' is some sort of strange euphemism for a maxi pad?"

My friend, DEAD serious: "I don't know. But if it is, what the hell is a 'reject coin?'"

I heart miscommunication.

Related:

Union Jane puts The Chronicle Herald in its place

Union Jane on "ginger kids"