From a glance, she resembled a classic movie starlet, on her way to a gallery opening or an awards show. Her long, rolling hair tumbled down over her shoulders, hitting the thin straps of her black dress like silent waves hitting the shore in the dark of night. The subtle jewelry flowing from her ears, wrists and neck produced star-like flashes when the light would hit just right, as if determined not to be forgotten.
When she moved through the crowded house party, however, her entire being seemed a collection of separate pieces, each trying to outwit the others as they swayed and stumbled of their own accord. Her tall frame moved erratically in a dizzying act of balance, held up only by the pin-sized heels of her towering shoes. The delicate, almost icy click of her shoes on the hardwood showed no sign of the flurry of activity above her ankles. Her journey from the kitchen to the balcony where I stood breathing in the cool, winter air, seemed like an accident waiting to happen, blatantly testing fate, yet the expression on her face oozed a calm confidence.
"I wish you were drinking," she said just slightly louder than appropriate but more than enough to make me cringe. "You're so much more fun when you're drinking." Her speech was as poised and articulate as her performances in class presentations, but the delay between her unintentionally rude statement and her laughter-filled apology hinted at her inebriation.
She stumbled through her apology with the same determination and gusto that just moments before fueled her Freudian comments. Tuning her out as best I could, I surveyed the crowd within the spacious but overcrowded two-bedroom apartment. The upscale urban chaise and couch that I had admired earlier that evening had all but disappeared among the party guests, while the coffee table had long been drowned in a sea of beer bottles.
The main room bustled with beautiful young women, each fawning over how one was able to survive the slippery winter walk to the apartment in precariously high-heeled shoes, or how another didn't freeze on the way in her sleek and therefore poorly insulated party dress. I felt almost guilty as I overheated in a lamb's wool sweater layered over a collared dress shirt, until of course, I laid eyes on the other males present.
They were easy to miss, eclipsed by the natural runway show that would occur each time one of the ladies would float through the crowd, like a magnificent bird gliding through thin summer clouds. As in nature, it seemed all the effort was placed on one sex to attract the other. Dark, expressionless faces were hidden under low-sitting baseball caps, while hooded-sweatshirts covered in rock band paraphernalia drooped down far past their waists, blending seamlessly into the oversized denim jeans that fell upon their torn sports socks.
The unnerving contrast within the party guests snapped me back to reality. My crisp balcony air had been replaced with choking gasps of cigarette smoke as my friend finally came to the close of her long-winded apology. I suddenly became aware that I was fumbling with my car keys in my pocket, clutching to them like ruby-red slippers that would bring me home from my sober stay at the party.
I slipped unnoticed through the mingling crowd whose conversations and laughter swirled together in my ears, creating a highway-like soundtrack to my exit-journey through the apartment. I offered polite goodnights to a few along the way who were sure to forget my departure by morning. I smirked as I broke into the quiet, winter night, thinking that perhaps, they're better off.
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5 comments:
Your piece flows incredibly well and each sentence is wonderfully descriptive (without being overly so). Your disdain for situation is obvious from the beginning and reminds readers of similar situations they themselves have encountered... which I think is the aim of good writing - isn't it?
This really is a fun read. It's gorged with detail and nuance. It's actually a commonplace sort of episode. But, your treatment gives it something of a larger-than-life, Bunyanesque character. It's deliciously described and paced out.
It reminds me of the movies when you watch an action scene or dramatic episode that's played back in slow-mo. You get to absorb so much more of all the many elements, that together, clarify the context.
The title of the piece is helpful. Would still like to get an earlier set-up of the where, the when and the what at the very beginning.
Altogether a confident and creative use of imagery that entices the reader along. This is more than just giving the bare bones details. The contrast between the dress of the young men and young women is nicely developed too.
The dialogue is a masterstroke, tone-wise. It says a lot in a little, always an effective technique. And we get enough descriptive fill-in to know "how" to relate to the two simple (but very colourful) statements.
The ending does nicely bring down the curtain, as it were, on this piece. On one hand, there's the smirk, of course. But, there's also an underlying bittersweet feel as well. I think we come to care about the narrator. Isn't this sometimes a good thing?
Prof. Brent,
I decided to work from one individual outward in setting the scene because, in my experience, that's the way a loud, bustling party atmosphere is revealed. I thought that it made a more interesting read as well as a more accurate description of the experience.
I wanted the reader to come into the story where it truly started, lost in my own thoughts in the midst of a party, jolted back into reality by interacting with of one individual. From there, I was able to ease into the rest of the scene without a sensory overload.
That being said, I'm thrilled to hear that your interpretation of the piece matched my intentions for the reader!
Thanks!
Like I said in class, I love your use of language and your ability paint such a remarkably accurate picture with words. You've got a real knack for storytelling and you make it both easy and enjoyable for the reader.
You are such a magnificent writer. I simply envy your ability to be so descriptive. Specific to this piece, I think anyone who knows you sense your sarcasm and the words you would of loved to say to this person.
I love the language you use to describe the party, obviously you are at a PR party eh? hahaha great work benny.
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